In Defense of Dropping People

So recently a friend of mine tweeted that he hated when people bragged about being able to drop people. They held it akin to not being able to communicate or maintain relationships. This made me frustrated and angry. However, knowing the person I also know that if I said that I needed to drop someone he would be super agreeable and supportive.

For me dropping people is a feat of social endurance. It is infinitely easier to stay friends with someone to keep a crappy person in your life than to take the step to remove them from your life. It is not a lack of social skills but in fact a leveling up. For so long we just fall into habits of expecting so little from the people in your life. I remember when I started hanging out with a group of friends my sophomore year of college I found one of them to be kind of abrasive and selfish. When I brought it up they just all went “Oh that’s how he is” or “oh that’s how he’s always been you can’t expect him to change now.”

These mentalities to keeping friends is detrimental to someone’s social and emotional well being. Thinking you don’t deserve to be treated well or that you should have friends that aren’t good wears on a person. A friend is one of the only connections a person truly gets to choose. You don’t pick your family or your neighbors or co-workers. If you don’t say this is not what I want than you are settling.

So yes a friend break up suck and it sucks that those connections don’t always work out. But it’s far better to be able to drop someone than to be stuck in a situation where you feel that you owe your friendship even if it’s not the friendship you want,

National LeftHanded Day

Happy National Left-Handed Day! It’s one of my favorite thing about people to bond over. I don’t really know why but left-handed people really like finding each other. Here’s one of my favorite stories about being left handed. I have a really hard time telling my left and rights apart even now, almost 21 years later. When I told my mom as a little kid she told me it was very normal for left-handed people because right is normal for most people and we viewed left as normal so everything was flipped around.

When I started school I didn’t have problems reading but I had problems writing. I couldn’t write anything the correct way. I just couldn’t tell the difference. I just copied the teacher’s writing so I wouldn’t get in trouble. When I figured out it was easier to read numbers backwards so I could say them, my mom’s logic carried over. My brain flipped the right and left so I couldn’t tell. I genuinely believed I couldn’t write the correct way because I was left handed. Then, my third grade teacher told me being left-handed wasn’t an excuse I was just dyslexic.

So PSA left-handedness does not equal dyslexia but in my family they overlap.

On Visiting Alaska

So for the past week I have been mostly off the grid on a family vacation in Anchorage, Alaska. It was amazing. I have wanted to go to Alaska for such a long time (yes, partially due to Son of Neptune, but it counts). It did not disappoint in beautiful scenery and adventuring time.

My favorite part of traveling anywhere new is the food. It is often slightly different that local fair, but something to make it special. In Alaska there were some very unique types of foods, elk meatballs, for example. One of my pizzas had reindeer fennel sausage. The sushi in Alaska was of such good quality because of the freshness of the fish, highly recommend at least once. One of my family’s places to go when traveling is to local dive restaurants it’s normally really good homey food where you get a sense of the local flavor.

Alaska is well-known for it’s wildlife and it is in fact recommended that you buy bear spray no matter where you hike. We luckily never needed it. We actually didn’t see a lot of wildlife except for a couple very cute harbor seals, a fat moose, and a lot of birds. Actually one of the highlights of my trip was explaining to a man from Hawaii that chipmunks were full grown and not just babies. (Apparently chipmunks do not occur in Hawaii). One of our best tourism stops was the the Alaska Wildlife Conservation Center where they rescue and rehabilitate or permanently home wildlife. We saw some amazing creatures there. Also, Santa’s reindeer were most likely girls.

As a PS there were two porcupines, this one is Kit-Kat (and missing a leg) and the other one is Snickers!

All family vacations are hard because it is 100% of your time is spent with the same people. Which fyi is hard no matter how much you like your family it is a lot of exposure! So that can become emotionally draining. As well as especially if you hard-core tourist like me either have a very long day of walking and/or driving in a car. So it can be physically wearing also versus the relax you may be expecting. We ended up averaging about 5-7 miles a day. It was absolutely incredible, except that time when we ended up getting lost down a bike trail on a mountain. No matter how taxing the views were always worth it.

Overall, Alaska is 100%, maybe 98% worth the journey, plus no sales tax.

My first week of work

Surprise! I got a new job! (I have not left my old job this is just a second job on the side) I am working in a local warehouse for a used bookstore. Currently I am assigned to the sorting division.  I am only working part time so I am going to work 3 8-hour shifts through out the week.

My job is very different then any job I have experienced before sitting by a computer. For one I am physically active for 8 hours which  I don’t think has ever happened before in my whole life. I got orthopedic insoles for my sneakers by day 3. They did really help but I feel very old. I have never had to punch in and out before I always just checked in with a supervisor. I like punching in and out though.

For the most part it’s solitary work. I have a station and I rarely ever have to talk to anyone other than when people come to bring in or clear out palettes of books. This I like my other job is mostly completely social and I like having time to myself. I get to have my iPod in and headphones on all day. I don’t remember the last time I heard some of my favorite songs. It does make me very self-conscious though because I have to make sure not to dance or lip-sync cause there are a lot of people everywhere.

However, I have also eaten lunch by myself every single day and will probably continue to do so. I get so nervous around new people and I just want a chance to unwind a little and have fresh air. Also, I forget where the break room is and I am too afraid to ask again. In addition I take my lunch break pretty late in the day. For me, after lunch time seems to pass much slower until the end of the day. So I try to push it to when I come back I only have 2 or 2 and half hours left in the day versus four, that way I feel like I can get through it better.

I don’t know how long I’ll be at this job I don’t. Maybe I’ll be there until my vacation and maybe I’ll be here until November or maybe even a lot longer. I don’t know. But right now I like it. I like the schedule and waking up early and my guess is I’m going to be in the best shape of my life (past or present). We will see where it goes.

Wish me luck.

I burn bridges and it’s a good idea

Ending any relationship with those close to you is hard, even if it’s for the best. Closure is harder. I find that burning bridges is the best way to achieve closure because it doesn’t let you go back, there is no temptation of the grass being greener behind you. I have a bad habit of going back on my decision, treating myself like a doormat because I prefer to be friends with someone. Even if they are TERRIBLE friends.

I don’t know that I had ever actually experienced closure until recently. Mostly because I am a super fan of quitting people cold turkey, because of the reasons mentioned above. However in the past 2 months I have a had to see a couple people that I had thought, hoped, prayed, I would never see again. This time, instead of feeling crazy and stressed, I felt good.

I felt so satisfied with my decisions and like oh yeah, my life is better without these humans. My pushing them away after the relationship needed to end, keeps them away and keeps me from going back. Anyway closure is a wonderful feeling and for me burning the bridges really helped me get there.

Thanks.

Dealing with Rejection

Right now, life is weird. As anyone who has become an adult in the last 3-5 years at least that I know has worked multiple jobs. Now I know that I am incredibly lucky to have an foot in the field I want to work in. However, I am not making money. Over the past several months I have been working very hard to try get a second part time job to build skills and make some cash or build a safety net. I have been rejected immediately from EVERY SINGLE ONE.

Now let me tell you, I can now recognize the rejection as it is happening or from the first line of an email. It’s crushing every time, mostly because I do think I have the skills to do these jobs or can learn them. I am a fast learner! I am also always free my political job is flexible other than some events that I can alternate with my candidate for. So it’s frustrating.

I want to be productive and useful and right now I do not feel this way. I also do not feel as though I can spend any money which sometimes I need to do, like for birthdays and family travel and even just paying for gas. Although, I could consider it an internship or fellowship a learning experience. I am living at home and I just do not like feeling like a burden.

To cope, I am considering myself lucky to be working in the field I actually want to work in a cultivating a network of professionals in that field. Hopefully I am opening doors for myself in the future versus sticking myself in a hole or in one job. I am worried about money but luckily I am becoming an adult where there are other ways besides a traditional job to make cash. Also at this moment in time a lot of large retailers re closing. I try not to take it personally. There are a lot of people looking for jobs and very few places that can offer them. It is not personal.

Staying positive is hard, but I try.

Wish me luck.

Spring is not my favorite

Everyone loves Spring. It just seems like everyone is so excited for it and I do not understand.

Spring is either hot or rainy. Like so much rain — do you know how many pairs of shoes I have lost to a mud puddle? It’s also quite warm while being wet which is an icky feeling. There are so many people outside and parking just sucks because everyone is out and about. There also children in the park where I normally walk my dog so I need to change my dog walking routine because people make her too nervous.

Do not even get me started on the pollen count. There are so many things that make me sneeze and sneeze and I can’t smell any of the Barbecue smells!

Basically I am not looking forward to the next three months for several reasons and have decided to blame it on the climate.

 

 

Looking forward

2017 was a weird year. There was a lot of good things: I finished my bachelors degree, I interned for a mayoral campaign, I lived and worked in Boston, I vacationed with my friends and boyfriend, I started reading and writing again.  There was also a lot of really bad things: the loss in my family, my mental health was bad and had significant relapse, I had to let go of friends that turned out not to be positive people in my life even though I thought they would last a lifetime.

2018 will be better. 2018 must be better even though it will be significantly harder than I would like transitioning into life after college, a long distance relationship, and still coping with lose and mental health. So I have some goals to keep progressing in my life.

Writing Goals:

  • Post on my blog once a week, deadline before midnight on Sunday (better than keeping track of 7 days)
  • Finish draft one of the novel I started at the end of 2017.
  • Enter 4 writing competitions for short stories or poetry

Reading Goals:

  • Read 100 books again this year:
    • including 5 books that come out in 2018
    • Read 5 new to me authors
  • Keep up with non-fiction reading that applies to my field (Political Science) now that I have left school — two courses of reading

Personal Goals:

  • Finally get a credit card because debit cards have kept me from ever over-drafting but also I need to build a credit score
  • Get a job, this is already underway I am working on a campaign for free but am not doing anything for money which currently am trying to fix. It would be fine with me to get experience for no money as long as I can build up savings at the same time.
  • Get better at technical baking,  I would like to learn how to make the different types of meringues and sponges (The Great British Bake Off changed my year)
  • See my now long distance boyfriend in person at least once, stretch goal is three times but this is probably not going to happen.

 

Ambiguous Loss

So right now life sucks a little bit. Not just the stress of the year but my family suffered a loss. A loss but not a death. It’s hard to explain to others why I am hurting so bad when they aren’t dead. It is instead the loss of someone that was such a large part of my heart and my life that can no longer be that person, at least I don’t think so.

For a while I was trying to validate my feelings of grief when I came across the phenomena of Ambiguous Loss. It’s a very specific type of grief where there is no closure or true understanding of what happened just that it has happened. Unfortunately, there is also hope. The person that you love could become back to the person you loved again. It leaves you in the grieving process but doesn’t allow you to get to a point of acceptance because there is a hope of change.

So yeah, while life continues I am in a constant state of numb and sad. It’s definitely made planning for my future hard while there is such a hole in my present life. I’m restarting therapy this week but hopefully things start looking up or at least moving forward.

Wish me luck!

Starting to work

I’ve now spent two weeks at my internship here in Boston. While it’s not my first job it is my first foray into the field I want to be in. Though technically I did politically fund raise it was more just a call center and the client was a political organization.  The organization is a new GOTV or Get Out The Vote organization, by new I mean within the first two years. Honestly, I like it a lot more than I had expected.

First impressions: waking up at in the morning is easier than I expected, mostly because I really want to make a good impression and have a fear of being late. Secondly working a full day at an office makes me much tireder than a day running after kids at camp, which was surprising. Thirdly, I actually am really invested in this field of work. It’s a lot of research and calling and canvassing but I feel good about it.

So the biggest thing I like most is the people I work with. I have two bosses that are exceedingly kind and working to give us every opportunity they can. Both go out of their way to make sure we are comfortable and confident in our tasks, which in the end make us more efficient I think. I was very nervous about my fellow interns, I’m not great at making friends or trusting people (strangers make me nervous). Everyone has been super nice I’ve even gone out for lunch with them twice. I did get sun burnt both times. But they are cool people.

The biggest piece of advice I was given was to grab any chance I could when I started working. This internship has given me lots of chances to do that and I’ve tried my best. I jumped on a research project that seemed tedious to everyone else but I get to do research on local governments and learn how to better use political databases. Next week I’ll be volunteering for the fundraiser my organization is holding allowing me to meet people involved in the field.

Hopefully the rest of the summer stays productive and my internship stays good, but I’ve got a good feeling about it.