Can People Change?

I knew what I have wanted to write about for a while. But writing it wasn’t working, because I was trying to write this post on forgiveness. Recently, I had the mind-boggling experience of having someone who hurt and manipulated me for years and then hurt my friends, decide that we were “okay”. General conclusion is the forgiveness is not necessary for closure.

It was very confusing. What was more confusing is why this threw me into such a tail spin. I mean it’s all I thought about for days trying to figure out what could have been going on in her head. Then mostly through powers of therapy I realized it because I always assumed one day she would change and/or care about the people she hurt. It appears that it was not the case.

I went through the same thing for years with my brother. He would mess up, he would hurt or steal or push buttons. He would be in the dog house and have stricter rules. We would trust him less but eventually things would return to normal and all would be forgiven and forgotten. Then it would happen again. He could justify doing what he wanted because in the long run nothing would change.

For someone to change there needs to be a real reason to, an opportunity cost, something to lose or something to gain. If they remain apathetic to the consequences that happen naturally I don’t see it being possible to achieve real growth. Until someone starts caring, they don’t see a need to change and that’s what must happen first.

Sorry just something I needed out of my system.

On Making Adult Friends

I really like having friends or at the very least someone to talk to and have fun with. However friends have always been kind of forced into my life, mostly in school or camp. It’s easy to be friends with who lives in your dorm hall or you have to see every week.

My job is really about meeting a lot of people and networking but there is no one I see or talk to everyday except my candidate and my family. It’s been hard to figure out how to make friends and who is a friend versus someone who tolerates you while you are at the same event.

I would like friends where I am living but it’s hard. Mostly because I am pretty sure I am too aggressive when trying to be friends or like actively avoid people. I have found myself to be a relatively polarizing person, and I am very afraid of the people that don’t like me.

The easiest technique that I have used is just showing up, at events, restaurants, the library, etc. People just seem to get used to your presence or maybe I got used to them and finally felt comfortable. Either way several people I hadn’t talked to were convinced we were friends just because they had seen me so often. (I know this sounds like a joke but it’s how I made my two best friends since moving back home).

If anyone knows another way to have fun, platonic people in your life I really would like to know about it.